I Did Up My Ville With IKEA

"I Did What I Did For Maria" - Tony Christie


Seemed wise: movin’ up vastly
In so-ci-e-ty
Got a new condo
Need trappings you see
But my money is short I’ve a fear
Gonna do up my ville with IKEA

And I drove into town
With the back seats laid down
Took my Versatel card
Where the flat packs abound
Lost in store – I succumbed
To disposable fun
But my spending on card turned out dear
Not cheap at that mart of IKEA

Bank account was bled dry
Got it home, there was strife
Vitriol was let fly
Caught the wrath of my wife
Yes, she said what she said: crystal clear
“Go shove this stuff right up your rear”

Crapped off, particle board
Hard to make each end meet
‘Structions and plans
But the parts incomplete
I’m resigned to assembling queer
As I shook and I tensed at IKEA

It was square, it was round
Lego-set-like compound
It was frugal of wood
Artificially browned
Eco-squeakily clean
Kinda cheesy (with sheen)
But at least it’s not made in Korea!
Yes, I shopped with the Swedes at IKEA

Took the key they supplied
Kind of allen-y like
Self-destructed when I
Tried to use it on IKE
Yes, I need me a Civ Engineer
To do up my ville with IKEA

Chastised: wife in aghast way
Is squallin’ at me
Bout in our courtyard
The neighbors all see
Said I should have stopped short of cashier
And not did up our ville with IKEA

Made my wife sore, and cry
Keep the knives out of sight!
What a dummy, was I
Thought couchettes were alright
Yes, I did up my ville so austere
I did up my ville with IKEA

As the sarcasm flies
Disassemble this stuff
‘Cus the distaffy side
Said “enough is enough”
Missus says that our ville is so drear
Hope I kept my receipt from IKEA

(Faux finish fades...)


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