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JOKES

 

Please note, these are not my original jokes, they have been collected from emails from friends from all over the world.. 

 

ENJOY THEM AND HAVE A LAUGH

 

Here is just a sample

Having a Beer

 

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from same one twice". 

The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer throw his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says: "Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either". 

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi. He says "In Western Australia we have so many fucking South Africans and Kiwi's that we don't need to drink with the same fucking ones twice".

 

 

 

COMPUTER TERMS - AUSSIE STYLE

 

 Log On......Make the barbie hotter
 
 Log Off......Don't add any more wood
 
 Monitor......Keeping an eye on the barbie
 
 Download......Get the firewood off the ute
 
 Floppy Disc......What you get lifting too much firewood at once
 
 Window......What you shut when it's cold
 
Screen......What you shut in the mozzie season
 
 Byte......What mozzies do
 
 Bit......What mozzies did
 
 Mega Byte......What Townsville mozzies do
 
 Chip......A bar snack
 
 Micro Chip......What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
 
 Modem......What you did to the lawns
 
 Dot Matrix......Old Dan Matrix's wife
 
 Laptop......Where the cat sleeps
 
 Software......Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster
 
 Hardware......Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart
 
 Mouse......What eats the grain in the shed
 
 Mainframe......What holds the shed up
 
 Web......What spiders make
 
 Web Site......The shed or under the verandah
 
 Cursor......The old bloke that swears a lot
 
 Search Engine......What you do when the ute won't go
 
 Upgrade......A steep hill
 
 Server......The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
 
 Mail Server......The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
 
 User......The neighbour who keeps borrowing things
 
 Network......When you have to repair your fishing net
 
 Internet......Complicated fish net repair method
 
 Netscape......When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
 
 Online......When you get the laundry hung out
 
 Off Line......When the pegs don't hold the washing up

 

 

THE PHARMACIST:

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

"To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife. He takes the photo and slowly nods.

"I didn't realise you had a prescription."

 

Australian poetry contest

The finals of the Australian poetry contest last year (2001) came down to 2
finalists. One was a Melbourne University Law School graduate from an
upper-crust family. He was well bred and well connected. The other
finalist was a Bogan from Broadmeadows TAFE.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem
in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word 'Timbuktu'.

The Melbourne uni grad went first. About 30 seconds after the clock started
he jumped up and recited the following:

"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination - Timbuktu."

The audience went wild. How, they wondered, could the Broadmeadows Bogan top
that? The clock started again and the second contestant sat in silent
thought. Finally in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three slutts in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."

He Won...

 

TYPES OF SEX

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:

Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month,
"but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX:

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood"
was mangled and torn from his body.His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium, $14,000 for large. The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of
you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

 

 

TATTOO

An accountant gets home very late one night and his wife says,
"Where the hell have you been?"
 
 He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
 "A tattoo?" she cried, "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
 " I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my penis," he said proudly.
 "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
 "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill on his penis?"
 
 He Replied...
 "One, I like to watch my money grow,"
 "Two, every once in a while, I like to play with my money."
 "Three, I like how money feels in my hand"
 "Lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right
 here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"

 

OBSESSIONS

A Licensed Counselor was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

 

 DEFINITIONS
 
 Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
 
 Beaver Leaver or Vagina Decliner: A homosexual.
 
 Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a
 booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
 
 Bone of Contention: A hard-on that causes an argument.
 E.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on
 TV with his girlfriend.
 
 Budgie's Tongue: or Small Man In A Boat. The female erection.
 
 Double Bass: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from
 behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her
 Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used
 when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is
 slightly different.
 
 Hand-to-Gland Combat: A vigorous masturbation session.
 
 Sperm Wail: A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.
 
 2-Bagger: Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with.
 (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours,
 in case their bag falls off).
 
 Titanic: A lady who goes down first time out.
 
 Todger Dodger: A lesbian.
 
 X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

 


TONGUE TWISTER

Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I cum and one named
No cum. No cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No cum tu. For velly obvious
reason No cum and No cum tu not have any children.

One day, No cum went out of town on business and I cum came over and spent
the night with No cum tu. That night I cum came and No cum tu came too. This
make both very happy.

However about 7 or 8 months later, No cum see he about to become father but
he not know how come, so when baby come, he name it, How cum u cum.

Of course, I cum and No cum tu know How cum u cum came but to this day No
cum not know how come How cum u cum came!

Come again?

 

 

Ramblling Rose

 

A man took a lady out to dinner for the first time.

Later they went on to a show. The evening was a huge success and as he dropped her at her door he said, "I
have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"
She agreed and a date was made. The next night he knocked on her door and when she opened it, she
slapped him hard across the face. He was stunned.  "What was that for?" he asked.
 She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said, 'Not well suited to bedding, but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'."

GRANDPA

 

 

A man came to visit his grandparents, and noticed his grandfather sitting on
the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing   on
from the waist down.

 "Grandpa, what are you doing? You're pecker is out in the wind for everyone
to see!" he exclaimed.

 The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

 "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with  nothing on below the
waist?" he asked again.

 The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last  week I sat out
here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is  your Grandma's idea."

 

 

 

A NEW STUDY

 

A study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of
facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending
upon where she is at in her menstrual cycle.

 For example: If a woman is ovulating, she is attracted to men
with rugged and masculine features.

 If she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be
 attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed
 up his ass while he is on fire.

 

 

DEPRESSED WOMAN

 

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life
by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about
to
leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on
the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much
to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if
you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her
shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll
keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to
lose?
Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life
new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her
in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought
her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they
made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later,
during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she
explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's
screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the
Staten Island Ferry!!"

 

 

 

 

Ed Zachary Disease

A women was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was
afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well
known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Ok, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "Ok, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "You probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse
case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The women asked anxiously, "Oh my god, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your
ass.

 

 

 

THE MIRROR

 

A Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. the wife is standing
 in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
 
"You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old
 woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my
 waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms
 are all flabby" 
 
She turns to her husband and says.....
"Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself"
 
He thinks about it for a bit and then says
 
"well......there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".

 

 

RESEARCH

 

Wow!! This works. I understood every word. Or should that be

'Wow!! Tihs
Wkros. I Uodotensrd erevy wrod'.


Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht
oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist
and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you
can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey
lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

ceehiro



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